Coral McCormick.  May 2021.

Since beginning my job at Amber Family 2 years ago, one question I have heard variants of more times than I can count is, ‘Will too much cuddling spoil my baby?’. Coming to Amber Family off the back of a master’s degree in Forensic Psychology, which very heavily emphasised the role of attachment in an individual’s childhood development and later life successes, made it hard for me to see why this myth was something that was so readily perpetuated within our society.

Personally, I believe that you can never show your child too much love or affection. By offering them as much emotional warmth as you can, you are not only establishing a positive bond with them, but you are also giving them a solid starting point for their own development. Cuddles and other non-verbal communication tools, such as eye contact, the tone of your voice or even something as simple as smiling at your baby, could make all the difference in how strong the bond, they form with you is.

To put it in more technical terms, the ‘Attachment Bond’, is the emotional connection formed via non-verbal communication between a child and their primary caregiver. Whilst attachment will occur naturally, the quality of the bond and the attachment style that is formed is critical to the child’s future and impacts them throughout their life in numerous ways.

I believe this is something I see every day within Amber Family; many of the parents we work with confide in us about the poor relationships they have with their own parents. They also acknowledge the influence this has had on their entire life and ultimately the decisions they made that led to them being at Amber Family. We are able to see first-hand the impact of insecure attachment and if not addressed, how it can become a cycle of behaviour that passes from one generation to the next. This cycle is something that we at Amber Family are very keen to break.

So, what does this have to do with cuddling? Cuddling is one of the most basic ways to strengthen the attachment bond from the very beginning. Attachment theory largely focuses on a parent’s capability to be both sensitive and responsive to their child’s needs, and the impact this has on the child’s development of trust, resilience and confidence.

As we explain to the parents we work with, via our in-house attachment course; A secure attachment develops when you are able to manage stressors and respond to your child’s cues and successfully soothe them when necessary. This will meet the child’s innate need for security, calm and understanding, which should allow for optimal development as they grow. Overall, the child needs a safe haven, so they know that they can explore the world, but they have a secure base to come back to for soothing and comfort if needed.

We do explain that several other factors could inhibit this development, however the primary caregiver, if responding appropriately to the child, will act as a protective factor against external stressors such as the environment.

If the child is given the chance to securely bond to their parent or caregiver, the resulting foundation they have to mature from is likely to be based on a feeling of safety and has been seen to result in:

• Healthy self-esteem and awareness
• An eagerness to learn
• Trust and Empathy
• Independence and a willingness to try new things
• Strong interpersonal relationships in adulthood

However, if a child’s need for security, calm and understanding are not met, they are likely to form an insecure attachment with their primary caregiver, which can hinder their development- mentally, emotionally and physically. This generally causes long-term problems for the child that can be expressed in both behavioural difficulties and difficulties forming positive, long-lasting relationships as they mature. According to research, children who have an insecure attachment style have difficulties trusting others, as they have learnt from a very early age that those, they should be able to trust the most, are not reliable.

The Insecure attachment types can be broken down further in numerous ways, however, most research recognises 3 distinctive types; Disorganised, Anxious-Ambivalent and Anxious Avoidant. All of these insecure attachment types lead to a number of distinctive limitations for infants later on in life, particularly in regard to emotional attachments. However, it is possible for these individuals to change their relationship patterns through awareness and support, in a way that can allow them to live a more fulfilling life. However, our hope at Amber Family, is that shedding light on this issue will give our parents the necessary tools to create a secure bond with their child from the beginning.

As attachment is the result of dynamic and interactive exchanges of nonverbal emotional cues, it is something that impacts the child from the moment they are born, some even argue that it begins prior to birth. The aim is to make the child feel secure, safe and stable. It is important to remember that babies are like sponges- they absorb everything and as such they pick up on emotional cues very easily, such as gestures, tones of voice and facial expressions.

The child will also very quickly begin to mimic these cues and begin to signal back to their caregiver by crying, cooing, laughing, pointing and even mimicking facial expressions. As soon as the caregiver picks up on these signals they should respond with warmth and affection. As the infant is nonverbal- that is they cannot outright tell us what they are thinking or feeling, when we respond to their nonverbal cues, we give them a sense of recognition, comfort and ultimately a sense of safety.

Some communications we can use to help build and strengthen a secure attachment bond are:

• Open and relaxed body language
• Good eye contact
• Calm and cheerful facial expressions
• Cuddles and reassuring physical contact
• Vocal tones that reflect the situation, e.g., soothing, animated, concerned
• Talking, reading and singing to the baby
• Mimicking their cooing and other vocalisations
• Playing peek-a-boo; helps to reassure the child that you will always be coming back
• Skin-to-skin contact- bathing your baby is not only necessary for good hygiene but is also a perfect time to try out all of the above!

Ultimately, the answer to the question, ‘Will I spoil my baby by cuddling and picking them up too much?’, is in my eyes a resounding no! Babies need to be shown that you are there for them to depend on. Ignoring your baby when they are fussing will not teach them to sort their own issues out, because they are just a baby and cannot do that yet. All it shows them is that no one will be there for them when needed.  Which is an awful thing to even consider, so why would we let children live with that reality if we can stop it?