About 2 years ago, I entered into a new relationship. Very quickly after entering this relationship, I realised that my new partner used cocaine. We moved in quite quickly together, and soon after, I was using cocaine too.

I have never really been into drugs or alcohol when I was younger. I did try them, though, as this was just part of growing up, just out of curiosity.

As the relationship grew, taking cocaine became nearly part of everyday life. Whether this was due to being happy, sad, celebrating, or feeling stressed, I would use the excuse to use cocaine, but mostly, my partner would go to work, and when he returned home, he would bring a bag of cocaine in with him most nights. It just became a habit. My mental health also went downhill during this time. When I was having a break from my partner, I only on occasion sourced this myself but then came off cocaine use completely until the relationship resumed.

Not long after this, I became pregnant. I had not planned the pregnancy or had ever wanted a baby, so for me, life just carried on the same. It wasn’t until a few weeks before my baby was due that I realised I could have damaged the baby’s health. I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I was happy and relieved that my baby was born with no long-lasting effects and is smashing all the milestones.

Due to my drug use, Social Services became involved, and I then came to Amber Family to be assessed on a 12-week placement. I was signed up for a local addiction service and also began the relapse prevention program run by Amber Family; these were weekly walk-and-talk sessions. I was tested regularly at first with the addiction service, and all these tests came back clear. I also had a hair strand test, and this showed I had come off cocaine also. This kept me going and moving forward. At the time, I was still in a relationship with the baby’s father, and he had regular contact each week. As time went on, I realised that the relationship was toxic. At times during the walk and talk sessions, I would sometimes be defensive about my partner, but looking back on this, I feel silly for doing this. I wish I realised this sooner and had not held back from being more open and honest earlier on. However, I then had the courage to end the relationship after one of these sessions. I knew the relationship was over.

I passed my assessment at Amber Family and returned home. When I arrived home, all my belongings had been sold apart from the baby’s cot and some of my sentimental belongings; he had even sold the white goods from the kitchen. I managed to source a sofa and a bed and then took out a loan to replace all the other things I needed. My ex-partner had also threatened me, and he had planned to kidnap my baby. I didn’t go out for three weeks and hit an all-time low. This was the only time I had ever thought of using again. I had tried to connect with an addiction support service when I returned home, but as I had been clean for over three months, they were unable to offer any support. During this low point, I realised I did not want to give in. I was still receiving counselling from when I was in placement, so I reached out to my counsellor, and my planned session was brought forward. This got me through this really difficult time.

I am pleased to say I have not had any more moments like this; it was just a one-off dip due to the stress I was under, but not giving in and talking to someone got me through. I have just celebrated my 9-month anniversary, drug-free! I’m looking forward to getting to my first year of drug-free, and I have no intentions of ever going back to that life. Myself and baby are thriving; I am on the lowest medication for mental health. We are both happy and healthy, and I look forward to seeing what the future brings.

Parent K